


Agatha's Birthday

by baroque_mongoose



Category: Girl Genius
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-03
Updated: 2015-02-03
Packaged: 2018-03-10 09:37:58
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,336
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3285509
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/baroque_mongoose/pseuds/baroque_mongoose
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The Boyz organise a surprise party for Agatha's birthday.  They manage to persuade the Castle to be nice to the guests; but that doesn't stop it from arranging a few little surprises of its own.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Agatha's Birthday

“Put it dis vay, Kestle,” said Maxim. “If hyu dun co-operate, ve goink to redecorate hyu. Und ve goink to redecorate hyu really _goot_.”

“You can't do that without permission from the Mistress,” the Castle objected.

“Und hyu tink ve von't get it?” asked Dimo.

“Hy tink a nize sunshine yellow for der entrance hall,” said Oggie brightly. “Dot vould really make it come alive.”

“I _am_ alive, you stupid Jäger,” the Castle grumbled. “And I'm a castle, not a blasted semi-detached.”

“Hy dun see vot all der fuss iz about,” said Dimo. “All ve tryink to do iz organise a surprise birthday party for de Mistress. Ve'd haff tot hyu vould be right on board vit dot.”

“Yes, but it's going to be so boring!” the Castle retorted. “I mean, in the old days, there'd be a great feast, the Heterodynes would invite all their enemies, and then they'd slaughter them. My corridors would run with blood.”

“Dot vos because if dey didn't invite deir enemies, dey vould haff no-vun to invite, because dey didn't haff any friends,” replied Maxim, logically.

“Yes, but there's such a thing as going from one extreme to the other,” said the Castle. “This party you're envisaging, as far as I can see, isn't going to involve so much as a paper cut. Where's the fun in that?”

“If hyu vant blood, hy sure dey got zum at der local slaughterhouse,” said Oggie. “Ve could put it in de balloons. Und den hyu could burst dem all aftervards und it vould be yust like old times.”

“Ja, und den ve haff to clean it all up, eediot,” said Dimo.

“Der hell vit dis,” said Maxim. “Iz no goot tryink to reason vit a crazy Kestle. Ve ought to go und hire der town hall.”

“Hire the town hall?!” The Castle sounded on the verge of apoplexy. “I cannot believe I am hearing this. You are seriously suggesting that the Heterodyne should have a birthday party in the _town hall_ like a _common burgher_?”

“Vy not?” asked Maxim, gleefully. “Iz der best place if hyu kent be trusted. Iz lots of room, und Mamma Gkika vould luff to run der bar.”

“Ja,” said Dimo. “Iz a goot idea. Come on, boys. Ve go und tok to Herr von Mekkhan.”

“No!” said the Castle. “I can't possibly let you do that. Family pride is at stake.”

“Vell, den, hyu do it our vay,” said Dimo. “Hyu got a pretty varped idea of family pride if hyu tink iz more embarrassink to hold a party in der town hall dan it iz to injure de guests.”

“Ja,” said Oggie. “All ve vant hyu to do iz be nize.”

“Und not do anytink to de guests dey veren't expectink,” Maxim added.

“Because ve remember vot hyu did to Mister Vooster,” said Oggie.

“Der Earl,” Maxim corrected.

“Ho. Ja. Vell, he iz still der same person. Und dere vos no need to drop heem in a hole.”

“Oh, for goodness' sake,” the Castle snapped. “You're not still going on about that one, are you? It's not even as if I hurt him. Just surprised him a bit. Anyway, he used to be a spy. He's supposed to have good reflexes.”

“But hyu had already told de Mistress hyu had deactivated all de traps like she told hyu,” said Dimo. “Dot vos vot made it really bad.”

“I did deactivate them all,” said the Castle. “I just activated that one again. Well, honestly, it was for his own good. The Mistress would insist on having a council of war in the seraglio because that was where I had put young Wulfenbach and young Sturmvoraus, despite the fact that there were more important matters to consider, and so she dragged that prudish Englishman along. I couldn't have him in there, now, could I? He'd have blown a gasket!”

“Iz not hyu place to make decisions like dot,” said Dimo.

“Dis iz not gettink us anyvhere,” said Maxim. “Iz hyu goink to play nize vit de guests, or iz ve goink to haff to hire der town hall?”

“Humph,” said the Castle. “Well, I can't possibly let you hire the town hall. That would be a scandal and a disgrace.”

“Goot,” said Dimo. “Zo. Hyu goink to promise to be goot? No, vait. Ve need a bit more dan dot. Hyu tvist everytink.”

“Interpret,” said the Castle, loftily.

“Voteffer hyu like,” said Dimo. “Hyu got to promise not to hurt any of de guests, or drop dem in any traps, or frighten dem, or put dem in rooms dey veren't expectink, or make dem feel uncomfortable. Dey iz de Mistress' guests. Hyu got to make dem feel _velcome_.”

“You're not leaving me any room for any fun at all,” said the Castle, sulkily.

“Dot vos der idea,” replied Dimo.

“Iz alvays der town hall,” said Maxim, grinning.

“Oh, all right. I promise. Huh. As if a Heterodyne party with no blood wasn't bad enough, now I've got to deal with clever Jägers. What's the world coming to these days?”

Once that was settled, Dimo took charge of the invitations and the general organisation. Maxim was delegated to look after the catering, while Oggie was given the job of decorating the Castle's main hall in an appropriately festive manner, on the grounds that he probably couldn't go too far wrong with that. Besides, Oggie liked balloons and was always glad of a good excuse to put them up everywhere. Mamma Gkika was roped in to run the bar – that would have happened anyway, regardless of the venue – and she in turn drafted in a few of the Jägerfrauen to give her a hand. A group of the other Jägers formed a light orchestra, and rehearsed secretly at Mamma Gkika's until they could play a wide selection of dance tunes. The rooms above Mamma Gkika's were kept free for the Wooster family, since it was well known that, no matter what assurances he was given, Ardsley Wooster, Earl of Heversham, did not trust Castle Heterodyne any further than he could throw it, and would not have his family sleeping under its roof. The Jägers did not blame him in the slightest. After all, his past experiences with the Castle had been uniformly negative.

On the day of the party, Agatha was persuaded to take a long trip in her latest invention (an amphibious steam-powered coach) on some ingenious pretext dreamt up by Dimo, which enabled the Jägers to get everything into place. On her return, she was met by Maxim at the gates.

“Did hyu haff a goot day, Mistress?” he asked, politely.

“Yes, thank you, Maxim, but I'm glad to be back in time for dinner,” she replied. “I'm hungry.”

Maxim grinned from ear to ear. “Ve got a liddle more dan yust dinner planned,” he said. “Ve got a liddle surprise for hyu birthday. Hyu vant to go und put a nize dress on und come along to der main hall?”

“Oh!” she said. “All right, Maxim. I'll do that, then.”

She went and changed into her gold ballgown, coaxed her hair into some kind of order, and hurried through to the main hall. Dimo and Oggie were waiting to throw the doors open for her.

“Ta-da!” said Dimo. “Heppy birthday, Mistress!”

Agatha's hand flew to her mouth. “Oh, my.”

The Jäger light orchestra, at a signal from Dimo, struck up the Mechanicsburg anthem. Agatha walked into the crowded hall, looking round the place in amazement. There was Gil, wearing a splendid peacock blue tailcoat and white trousers. There was Tarvek, devastatingly elegant in plum and gold. There was Zeetha in a highly revealing dress that seemed to consist mostly of glitter, standing with her arm round Axel Higgs. There was Violetta in a long sweeping purple creation with a bow at the back, looking very much as though she was having some second thoughts about wearing it. There were the Earl and Countess of Heversham, he in dark red as usual, she in olive green. There was Vanamonde von Mekkhan, squeezed into a rather over-tight embroidered waistcoat, and over there near the orchestra was his wife in a powder blue which did not entirely suit her, talking to her aunt. Everyone who was anyone was there, and some of them had come from quite a distance.

“Did you Jägers organise all this?” asked Agatha.

“Yez, Mistress,” said Dimo, proudly. “Und ve even got der Kestle to behave itself. Ve said if it didn't promise to be nize, ve vould haff der party in der town hall.”

Agatha laughed. “I can see how that would have worked,” she said. “Thank you, boys. You're wonderful.”

“Vos a pleasure, Mistress,” said Oggie. “Und look! Hy put up all de balloons. Dere iz over two hundred of dem.”

“Und Mamma Gkika made der cake,” said Dimo, “und Maxim decorated it. He iz qvite goot.”

“This is amazing,” said Agatha happily. “I did sort of think about having a party myself, but decided I didn't want to have to do all the planning. And now you've done it for me!”

Gil and Tarvek approached her from opposite sides and bowed deeply. Unfortunately, they both did so at exactly the same time, and Agatha winced at the resulting clash of heads. There was a brief pause while they straightened themselves up and looked daggers at each other.

“Lovely to see you both,” she said. “Since it's my birthday, do you think you could possibly manage not to fight?”

“I'm sure that could be arranged,” replied Tarvek smoothly. “Might I have the honour of the first dance?”

“Fine,” said Gil. “Just so long as I get the last one.” He took out his hand from behind his back. “I've brought you this. Happy birthday, Agatha!”

It was a little clank in the shape of a jewelled bird; it took off realistically from Gil's hand and perched on Agatha's shoulder, where it trilled a song. “Oh, Gil,” she said. “Thank you. That's lovely!”

“Ah, but wait till you see what I've brought you,” said Tarvek, beaming. He produced a small brass box with various knobs and dials. “This is a long-distance communicator. Any time you feel lonely, you will always be able to talk to me.”

“Great!” exclaimed Agatha. “Thank you, Tarvek. And I'm sure I'll be able to wire it up so I can talk to all my other friends, too.”

“Er... yes, well, of course,” said Tarvek, while Gil tried very hard not to snigger.

“I must go and greet all my other guests, if you'll excuse me,” said Agatha. “Oggie, could you please put these delightful gifts somewhere safe?”

Violetta was now in a conversation with Zeetha. “Nope,” she was saying. “Silly idea. It'll fray.”

“I don't suppose anyone's going to notice,” replied Zeetha. “And if you don't like trains, why did you wear one?”

“Because _someone_ said it would suit me,” said Violetta with a sigh. She glanced across the room at von Zinzer, who was handing round snacks. “Well, I tried. I think I'm just going to have to pin it up somehow, that's all.”

“Cut it off and then pin it up on the inside?” Zeetha suggested.

“Nah. It'd show. At least if I do it on the outside, I can have a fold of fabric draping over the pins and it might look vaguely as though it was meant to be like that.”

“Hi, you two,” said Agatha. “So, how long have you known about this, then?”

“Heh,” said Violetta. “Well, quite a while, actually, but don't tell Dimo that. We had to act very surprised this morning when he told us.”

“It was the orchestra that gave the game away,” said Zeetha. “They rehearsed at Mamma Gkika's. They'd forgotten Axel and I go in there regularly, and even with a full-scale Jäger bar fight going on, we could still hear them.”

“And when Zeetha came back suspecting something was going on, I did the sneaking around to confirm it,” said Violetta, with a grin. “I've got to say, the Jägers have been very well organised. Have you seen the cake yet?”

“Not yet,” Agatha replied.

“Do go and look at it. I knew Maxim was good at carving, but I didn't realise he was quite so talented with sugarpaste. I think you're going to love it.”

“I will,” Agatha promised, “but I need to say hallo to a few more people first. Ardsley, Lucilla, so glad you could make it!”

The Earl bowed. “Many happy returns of the day,” he said. He might have got used to addressing her as Agatha now, but there was still always a rather formal air about him.

“And it's lovely to see you too, Agatha,” said the Countess. “Your castle is quite magnificent, too; this is the first time I've actually been inside it.”

“Yes, it's behaving itself remarkably well for the moment,” said the Earl, in a voice which strongly suggested that unless it continued to do so, he would have his beloved wife out of the place before you could blink. “The Jägers appear to know how to threaten it.”

“Even the Castle knows not to mess with the Jägers,” said Agatha cheerfully. “You'll be fine.”

“We have, ah, brought you a small gift,” said the Earl. “But rather than any of us having to carry it around, we gave it to Maxim to look after for you on the way in.”

“It's a set of paintings,” the Countess explained. “Some rather nice watercolours. Ardsley said you were looking for something to replace some of the more, shall we say, bellicose portraits of your ancestors.”

“Perfect!” said Agatha. “Thank you very much. That one of Robur Heterodyne is coming down as soon as the party's over, in that case, whatever the Castle thinks.”

“The one with the... ah... anatomy lesson?” asked the Earl.

“You could put it like that. I mean, seriously, what was the painter thinking of? So Robur Heterodyne killed a lot of people with an axe. All you need to do if you want to show that is paint the axe. You don't need to show the results.”

“Just an axe?” asked the Countess. “After all, he was a spark.”

“Oh no. He generally impaled them with the spike on the front of his steam-powered battle chariot first,” replied Agatha. “But apparently he liked to finish them off with the axe. Thought it added a personal touch, or something.”

“Excuse me,” boomed the voice of the Castle suddenly. “If I could just have your attention for a moment, I wish to make an announcement.”

“Riiiight,” said Agatha, cautiously.

“It is not only the Jägers who can organise birthday surprises,” the Castle continued. “In honour of the Mistress' birthday, I have arranged an Entertainment. If you would all care to walk through to the west hall, we shall be starting in about five minutes.”

“Well,” said Agatha. “I'm sure this is going to be interesting.”

“Ardsley,” said the Countess, “you're running your hand through your hair again.”

“Ah,” said the Earl. “Yes. Well, a certain amount of nervous tension is a perfectly natural reaction to Castle Heterodyne announcing that it has a surprise planned.”

The entire party, including most of the Jägers, trooped along to the west hall, where rows of chairs had been arranged facing the stage. “Welcome!” said the Castle. “Please take your seats. Tonight, we are proud to present a dramatic re-enactment of the long and fascinating history of the Heterodyne family.”

“Uh... Castle,” said Agatha. “Who is 'we'? That is to say, who's doing the acting?”

“Have patience, Mistress, and you will see,” replied the Castle.

Once everyone had sat down, the room darkened, the curtain went up, and a spotlight illuminated a lone figure standing in a heroic pose. “Behold!” exclaimed the Castle. “The H't'rok'din!”

“Sweet lightning,” muttered Agatha. “A vampire.”

“I'm armed,” said Gil and Tarvek, both together. They had, of course, contrived to sit on either side of her.

“Would this by any chance be one of the undead Heterodyne vampires who normally haunt the crypts?” asked the Earl, who was sitting on the other side of Gil.

“Yeah, I think so,” replied Agatha uncomfortably. “It's a bit disturbing to realise that this is probably my several-times-great-uncle.”

“What the hell does your Castle think it's doing?” Gil demanded. “Having vampires act at a party? Is it even crazier than I thought it was?”

“Oh, do be quiet, Wulfenbach,” said the Castle. “You are interrupting the narrative. They are perfectly safe. They are merely here to act.”

“Yeah. Safe,” said Violetta, from behind Agatha. “They'd better be.”

There were about half a dozen vampires, each playing a succession of parts in the finest tradition of theatrical economy. Given the nature of the material, it was inevitable that there were going to be several gory scenes; however, since the Castle had not been able to find a way to produce any actual gore, it generated the desired effect using carefully directed red lighting. This was perhaps just as well, because, even so, it was not really an entertainment for the squeamish. Frau von Mekkhan's aunt quietly left about halfway through, and, once that happened, a number of others followed her.

When it was finally over, Agatha said brightly, “Well, thank you very much, Castle. That was most interesting. We've, er, probably got some Blutwurst if the vampires would like that.”

There was some conferring behind the scenes, and then the Castle asked, “I don't suppose you could see your way to providing a live goat, by any chance?”

Agatha made a face. “I don't think so. Won't the Blutwurst do?”

“Really,” said the Castle. “Your ancestors wouldn't have tried fobbing vampires off with mere sausage.”

“I don't suppose they'd have needed to,” replied Agatha. “I mean, if any vampire had wanted blood, all it'd have had to do was follow one of my ancestors around and wait for the inevitable carnage.”

One of the female vampires emerged from behind the curtain at this point, wearing a black evening gown and a predatory smile. “I vould like to join the party,” she announced.

“I knew this was a bad idea,” Gil muttered.

“Ah... you would?” said Agatha.

“I vould. Allow me to introduce myself. I am Lady Petronilla Heterodyne, and I vould like to dance vith him.” She waved a graceful hand in the direction of Tarvek.

“Erk,” said Tarvek.

“Vot are you looking so vorried about?” she purred. “You are very gorgeous.”

“I'm sorry,” said Agatha, firmly. “I enjoyed your play, Lady Petronilla, but I can't let you join the party. I really don't want you biting Tarvek.”

“I am only going to bite him a little. Just a little. It von't even hurt,” she insisted. “And then he can be a vampire and live for ever. Von't that be nice?”

“Aaargh,” said Tarvek.

“Castle,” said Agatha, “please take the vampires back to their crypts. Right now.”

“Not vithout this _fascinating_ man,” said Lady Petronilla, and leapt off the stage with a surprising grace for someone who must, after all, have been several hundred years old.

Tarvek drew his gun and fired. The blast had not the slightest effect. “Stand back!” yelled Gil, and fired in turn. Lady Petronilla yelped in surprise, and this brought the remaining vampires out to support her.

There was instant mayhem. The Jägers piled into the fight, which meant that, of course, both Gil and Tarvek had to stop firing; as it happened, they each had a dagger they could use instead. Zeetha leapt onto a chair and started wielding her swords, backed up, as ever, by the redoubtable Higgs with his powerful fists. Violetta ducked and wove among the vampires with a small knife, confusing them so that they frequently ended up attacking one another. Ardsley, Earl of Heversham, despite being over fifty now, took off his coat and waistcoat, picked up a chair, and used it to some effect... but not before having a very brief word in the ear of his wife, who nodded and hurried off at speed. Agatha shepherded her panicked guests back towards the main hall. “It'll be all right,” she assured them, hoping it would be.

Once all the non-combatants were safely out of the way, she hurried back. “Castle!” she yelled. “This is all your fault. Do something about it!”

“Really,” said the Castle, “you can hardly blame me. I didn't tell Lady Petronilla to make a pass at young Sturmvoraus. They were all supposed to go back to the crypts after the play. And if your two boyfriends hadn't decided to open fire...”

“She was going to bite Tarvek! What did you expect?” Agatha demanded. “Castle, you are the absolute limit sometimes.”

“Well, he'd make a very elegant vampire,” said the Castle.

The Countess of Heversham came hurrying back. She was carrying a large bowl in her hands, with a serving spoon held rather awkwardly against one side. She positioned herself, crooked the bowl securely in one elbow, took the spoon in the other hand, and started flinging the contents of the bowl at the vampires. Needless to say, it did not just hit the vampires; quite a lot of it went over the other combatants. Dimo got a dollop of the stuff full in the face, and licked his lips.

“Hey,” he said. “Dis garlic dip iz goot schtuff.”

The vampires, on the other hand, were not enjoying it. They flinched and reeled whenever the garlic dip struck them, and before long they were all on the floor, crawling back desperately towards the stage. Gil took out his gun again. “I'll finish them off,” he said.

Agatha shook her head. “No... don't do that. I mean, they did put on that play for us, and they're family, after all. Let them go.”

“And I suppose there are advantages to having them in the crypts,” said Tarvek. “Just as long as they _stay_ in the crypts.”

The vampires dragged themselves onto the stage and disappeared through the curtains. “Ardsley,” said the Countess. “You're bleeding.”

The Earl looked down at his arm. “Oh. So I am. It's just a scratch, though, not a bite.”

“Yes, well, I think I'd better look at that,” said Violetta, wiping garlic dip out of her hair. “Just in case. I don't suppose vampire claws are very healthy.”

“I am so sorry about all this,” said Agatha.

“Not your fault,” replied Zeetha, who was trying to get every trace of dip out of Higgs' hat. “I mean, you weren't to know, were you?”

“Vos fun!” said Oggie, grinning. “Und der garlic dip iz very nize.”

“For certain rather specialised definitions of 'fun', Ognian,” said the Countess. “We have the rest of the evening to get through, and Ardsley's shirt is ruined. He can hardly sit through dinner looking like that.”

“I've got a spare,” said Gil. “If you can stand to wear a fixed collar for once, Ardsley, I'll go and get it.”

“Thank you very much,” said the Earl.

“Good,” said Violetta. “In that case, I'll tear this one up for bandages. The cut's not poisoned, but it could do with binding up.”

“Of course, this is all your fault, Tarvek,” Zeetha teased. “It all comes of you being irresistible to lady vampires.”

“Just the one lady vampire, I think,” said Tarvek. “And it could just as easily have been someone else.”

“There are showers, if anyone wants one,” Agatha offered. “We'll wait till everyone is ready before we have dinner.”

“Yeah... actually, I think I'll take you up on that,” said Violetta. “My hair smells like a Mediterranean kitchen.”

“I have another surprise planned for after dinner,” said the Castle. “I'm sure you're all looking forward to it.”

“Hyu vot?” Dimo demanded.

“Oh, you heard,” said the Castle.

“Hey!” Dimo roared down the corridor. “Herr von Mekkhan!”

Vanamonde hurried in. “What can I do for you, Dimo?” he asked.

“Iz der town hall free tonight?” asked Dimo.

“Well, yes, actually, it is. Why?”

“Ve iz hirink it right now. Hyu go und make sure all de tables und schtuff iz set up. Take zum of de Jägers vit hyu if hyu need extra help. Hy vill get Mamma und de Jägerfrauen to brink der food over, und Maxim vill direct de guests.”

“Ah... right,” said Vanamonde. “Certainly.” He hurried out again.

“But you can't do that!” the Castle protested. “The incident with the vampires wasn't my fault, and you don't want to miss the other thing I have planned. You really don't.”

“I'm afraid I agree with Dimo,” said Agatha. “One of my guests is now injured, several of them are covered in garlic dip, and most of the rest are terrified. I'm not putting them through any more of your surprises.”

“But... but... you can't have a party in the town hall,” the Castle almost wailed. “Think of your family pride!”

“Well, then, tell me what the other surprise was going to be,” said Agatha. “I may reconsider.”

“Oh, very well,” the Castle grumbled. “The ghosts didn't want to be left out, so I organised them into a little choir. Haunting melodies, you might say.”

Agatha rolled her eyes. “That settles it. We are going to the town hall. Now.”

“Hy get de balloons,” said Oggie. “All two hundred of dem.”

“This is unheard of!” the Castle protested.

Gil returned at a trot with the spare shirt. “There you go, Ardsley,” he said. “What's unheard of?”

“Thank you,” said the Earl. “We're changing venues. The party is about to transfer to the town hall, and the Castle objects.”

Gil raised an eyebrow. “Isn't that a bit drastic?”

“The alternative appears to be a choir of ghosts,” replied the Countess drily.

“ _Heterodyne_ ghosts,” added the Earl. “Quite possibly... heterodyning. Do we want that?”

Gil looked at Agatha.

“It would be my great pleasure,” he said, “to escort you to the town hall.”


End file.
